The Real Pirate's Guide
Edited for Commodore by *
* Lord Kaith Rustaz *
Converted to HTML by *
* Kaith Rustaz *
Volumes : 1 2 3
FROM-> JHONNY THE AVENGER
DATE-> SAT AUG 4 10:21 PM
I SAW YOUR MESSAGE ON THE PIRATE BOARD ABOUT YOU HAVEING ULTIMA IV!! MY
CONNECTIONS MR.ZEROX AND CHEIF SURGEN BLACK BAG ARE'NT AROUND TO MAIL
IT 2 ME
SO WANA DO SOME SERIUS TRADING HAVE JUMP-MAN, CHOPLIFTER, COMMODORE POOL,
DI-SECTOR ][ AND SOME K00L OTHER STUFF AND GAMES.CALL ME AT 312-323-3741.
YOU NEED PHREAK CODES I HAVE THEM TO AND BOX PLANS.BYE
jHONNY tHE aVENGER
OF MYSTERIOUS KEYBOARDS*!
THE AWESOMEST HACK GROUP IN TOWN
Is the author of the above message a true pirate?
Since the beginning of time there has been an implicit code of etiquette
governing the actions of software pirates, but as many of you may have
noticed as of late, that code has been knocked around a bit. Although
it's not difficult to differentiate a true pirate from one of these poor
imitations, I believe that, with the number of true pirates decreasing
at such an alarming rate, this code should be set straight. After all,
although "Jhonny" is admittedly a moron, it's not his fault
that he never received proper guidance.
One of the first and foremost rules of piracy:
PIRATES ARE OVER 15 YEARS OLD! Exceptions to this rule are extremely
rare at best.
Corollary: You never have to wonder who breeded
Mickey Mouse with a 2600hz tone to produce a real pirate's voice.
Real pirates are more imaginative than to use the word "copy"
in their alias.
Corollary: Real pirates aren't named "Mr.
Copy" because real pirates don't brag about coping Infocom Games.
The word "crack"(or "krack")is found nowhere in a
real pirate's name.....Unless, he really knows how to.
Real pirates' aliases don't sound as if they were extracted from the lyrics
of an Ozzy Ozbourne song (i.e. Provisioner of Satan, Black Avenger, Dark
Real pirates don't name themselves after heavy metal groups.
Real pirates, if named after some aspect of pirate legend (i.e. Jolly
Roger, Captain Hook, Eye Patch, etc.) don't say, "Avast ye scurvy
dogs," or anything of the like.
Real pirates' names aren't parodies of other reputable pirates (i.e. Resident
of Lavender Bag, Mr. Pac Man, Franklin Bandit, etc...).
Real pirates don't name themselves after alcoholic beverages (i.e. Jack
Daniels, Harvey Wallbanger, Jim Beam, etc.) especially when they've never
Real pirates spell their aliases correctly (unlike "The Poenix").
Real pirates aren't named Sam Houston Sir Spanky, The Gamemaster, Lord
Fagen, Mr. Copy, Sir Vielant, (insert your own losers here)....
Real pirates would never think of deleting "Sabotage". It's
too much fun imagining those little men are actually Sir Vielant!
Real pirates play Impossible Mission.
Real pirates have long since deleted "TrashMan", "E.T.",
"Alien Munchies", "Bug Battle", "Snack Attack",
and everything from SSI, Avalon Hill, and Scott Adams.
Real pirates don't bother to list Jumpman as in their wares lists.
Corollary: Real pirates know that everybody has
Real pirates upload. They realize that leeching is the #2 sin (behind,
of course, being 13 years old).
Real pirates feel guilty when pirating Commodore or Infocom of course,
that never stops them.
Real pirates don't believe the morons who say they have Ultima IV and
Corollary: Real pirates realize that there is
a difference between Dual and Joust!
Real pirates don't count their wares, but of course,real pirates don't
Corollary: The third sin of pirating, add up
the amount of money in wares you own.
Corollary: Nobody cares how much your collection
is valued at.
Real pirates don't tell you about all the junk they got last year when
listing their 'new' stuff.
Corollary: Real pirates know the differences
between new, old and very ancient.
Real pirates aren't the fifth to post the same "I have..." message.
Corrolary: Real pirates don't post "I have..."
messages when they really don't have.
Real pirates don't download programs from public BBSs and then post "I
know it's old, but I have...too" messages on pirate boards.
Real pirates don't post their high scores.
Corollary: Real pirates don't keep score.
Real pirates don't say "K-K00L", "K-AWESOME", "X10DER",
"L8R0N", or anything of the sort.
Real pirates know the difference between "f" and "ph"
(i.e. "philes", "phuck", "fone", etc.).
Real pirates don't waste everyone's time backspacing over their alias
Real pirates never use text graphics in their messages.
Real pirates don't care about The Curse BBS's "K-K00L M0DS".
Real pirates don't search for new ways to spell "WARES".
Real pirates don't use the same password on every system.
Corollary: Real pirates aren't dumb.
Real pirates don't use the last 5 lines of their messages bragging about
the 8 meaningless organizations that they belong to.
Corollary: Real pirates don't belong to SWAPP,
The Krakers or any other local 'Pirate' groups.
Real pirates who are Ravics or HAL SYSOPs hate those damned things.
Corollary: Real pirates crash them whenever they
have a chance.
Real pirates are satisfied with one exclamation point.
Real pirates don't call Dial-Your-Match.
Real pirates never get into "Wars" unless, of course, they are
grinding some 13 year old TI user or Sir Vielant into the dust.
Real pirates don't use Old Punter.
Real pirates no longer buy VicModems, 1650s, Westridges, or Mighty Modems.
Corollary: Real pirates buy Hayes 1200 baud SmartModems.
Corollary to the corollary: Real pirates accept
the reality that 300 baud is dead.
Real pirates aren't around to trade on Friday or Saturday nights.
Corollary: Real pirates haven't watched Love
Boat since they were 13.
Real pirates don't list the dir 10 times, looking for Public Domain junk
Real pirates can get New Punter to work right the first time.
That's it...for now. Since losers in-vent new ways to be losers every
day, expect a "Real Pirate's Guide, Volume 2" very soon.
If any of you were terribly offended by anything in this file, that's
your clue to retire from the pirate world. After all, Real pirates don't
get offended by anything written in textfiles.
Thanks to the following for their contributions to this file:
Otto Shineflug, Ctrl Reset, Bit O'Nasty, Lord Chaos, Niloniel I, and Con
Additional contributions and modifications by <<<2001>>>