High Society presents..
The Real Pirate's Guide
Edited for Commodore by *
* Lord Kaith Rustaz *
Converted to HTML by *
* Kaith Rustaz *
Volumes : 1 2 3
Finally! After a few cheap imitations, the second volume of Rabid Rasta's
Real Pirate's Guide. Since RR has left for the college scene, and I worked
closely with him on the first version, you'll have to put up with me for
As stated in the first edition of The Real Pirate's Guide, there are a
lot of pirates; unfortunately, a vast majority of them are morons. For
this reason, these "guides" have been assembled to aid in the
growth and maturity of the younger pirate generation. Which brings us
to the golden rule of pirating: "REAL PIRATES ARE OVER 15 YEARS OF AGE"(exceptions
are few, like if one was a beta-tester for Broderbund, we could let that
What follows is a compendium of all the ideals and morals a Real Pirate
should possess. Note that some have been taken over from the first Guide
because of their high value, and because these rules are still widely
Real Pirates can appreciate the difference between "Karateka,"
and "Competition Karate".
Real Pirates have long-since deleted "Caverns of Freitag," "Mr.
Cool","Trompers","Jenny of the Prairie" and still
couldn't give a sack of dog dicks about anything from Avalon Hill, SSI,
and especially Scott Adams(AI).
Corollary: Real Pirates would jump at the chance
to "help" Adventure International go Chapter 11.
Real Pirates aren't obsessed with the never-ending quest of collecting
all 12 sides of "Time Zone".
Real Pirates respect the programming and creative talents of those working
for Broderbund, Infocom, and Electronic Arts, and congratulate them on
a valiant attempt to make money.
Real Pirates didn't get excessively excited upon the release of "Soft-Porn
Adventure," "Strip Poker," or anything of the sort.
Real Pirates respect the efforts of other pirates to sell his or her own
programs, but would distribute them at them drop of a hat.
Real Pirates pirates aren't just "learning assembly." Or even
worse, "machine language."
Real Pirates don't contemplate why their Apple II+ w/48k won't run "King's
Quest," or "DazzleDraw."
Real Pirates know that the Mail Trading Club, run by The Professor, is
the biggest mail-order scam/rip-off since X-Ray glasses.
Real Pirates aren't anticipating the release of the follow-up to "The
Real Pirates know that Lord British is not the Monarch of any European
Real Pirates know that "Road Pizza" was either a very good joke,
or a very bad game.
Real Pirates play "Karateka".
When posting a message, Real Pirates can differentiate between: 'z' and
's', 'ph' and 'f', '2' and 'two', 'u' and 'you', '0' and 'O', '4' and
'for', and 'x' and 'ks'.
Corollary: Real Pirates have long-since regestered
the ability to punctuate, spell and construct clear, well organized sentences.
Corollary to the corollary: Real Pirates aren't
constantly searching for new ways to spell "WARES".
Real Pirates don't use the prefix "k-" (ie. k-k00l, k-awesome,
Real Pirates use lower case.
Real Pirates don't use text graphics.
Real Pirates don't use imbedded back-spacing.
Real Pirates don't post "I have" messages, when they really
Real Pirates aren't to impressed with "spinny" cursors, and
turn them off upon logging onto such boards.
Real Pirates don't try to impress others with their superior ability to
add many carriage returns at the end of a message, thus preventing anyone
from reading the last few lines.
Real Pirates don't brag about people they know, or clubs they are in to
the point of becoming obnoxious. (ie."RACKRACKRACKRACKRACKRACKRACK",etc)
Real Pirates don't obtain their "phreak" codes from the local
Net-Works super-elite hack board".
Real Pirates use the latest version of ASCII Express "Pro".
Real Pirates, when trading with another Real Pirate, are not concerned
with matching everything the other pirate sends them. Real Pirates are
happy to send wares to other Real Pirates simply because they are in the
same business. (ie. no, "I send you 3 sides, you send me 3 sides")
Real Pirates don't wait for BBS' to print-out their "goodbye"
message, they hang-up.
Real Pirates always have a copy of "Disk-fer" or "Cat-Send"
handy, or both.
Real Pirates don't end their messages with, "leave e-mail to [xxx
xxx]," or anything of the sort.
Corollary: Real Pirates don't respond to such
messages, and in no way use them as a means to get "new wares."
Real Pirates aren't found to frequent the local "Bitch Board".
Real Pirates don't have to "ask" if one has an Apple Cat, Real
Pirates "assume" one has an Apple Cat.
Corollary: Real Pirates know that a "cat"--when
referred to by another pirate--is not a small, furry mammal in the genus
of a tiger(unless specificly pointed out as such.)
Corollary to the corollary: Real Pirates couldn't
give a bucket of hampster vomit about anything pertaining to anyone else's
Real Pirates don't make threats of violence against others through the
phone lines. After all, how is someone living in Acron, Ohio going to
"beat the living shit out of" someone living in Waco, Texas?
Not through Zap Mail, that's for sure.
Real Pirates know that the disclaimers often stuck in by BBS sysops do
little more then waste 20-40 bytes of RAM.
Real Pirates don't post messages telling us what is "old", so
they can fill some space, thus making it look like they actually had a
reason to post something relavent.
Real Pirates don't think it's keen to be able to put '/EX' on a line by
it-self, and have it included in the message.
Real Pirates have a "sixth sense" that tells them which board
to post a certain message on(ie. no "new wares" messages on
the "Famous People Which I Have Met" board).
Real Pirates can spot a Net-Works BBS miles away.
: Real Pirate's arent' ASSHOLES!
Real Pirates names aren't parodies of other respectable pirates (ie. The
Male Nurse of Magenta Bag, Franklin Bandit, 5 1/4" Jockey, etc.).
Real Pirates names have no association to any type of music whatsoever
(ie. Green Manalishi, The Scorpion,etc.).
Never is the prefix "Krack", or "Crack" found in a
Real Pirates name unless they actually can crack, and don't just have
Real Pirates know that M.P.G does not stand for 'Miles Per Gallon', 'Many
Pieces of Gravel', 'My Prick is Green', or anything of the sort.
Corollary: Real Pirates would never think of
forming, or joining another group with the suffix "P.G.", standing
for "Pirates Guild"(three is enough).
Real Pirates aren't named: The Ace, The Zapman, Lord Fagan, Captain Bly,
Pac-Rat, The Wrench, The Caretaker, The Lumberjack, Mr. Party, The Fly,
Happy Hacker, or Der Fuhrer.
When talking with a Real Pirate on the phone, you can be assured of not
hearing Culture Club or the Pointer Sisters being played stridently in
Real Pirates are not offended by articles in NewsWeek simply because they
make a few dorogatory remarks about BBS/mode to see a final episode of
"The Love Boat", where Vicky absent-mindidly throws a lighted
joint next to a propane tank, causing the ship to go up in a terrific
display of fire and smoke, whilst seeing the heads and bodyparts of "your
crew" scattered about the water.
Real Pirates watch "Late Night with David Lettermen."
Real Pirates just don't give a damn!
Well, that's it. For now. If you were at all offended by anything in this
article, that's your que to retire from pirating, because after all, Real
Pirates aren't offended by things contained in text files.
I would like to thank The Cloak for his helpful contributions and input.
New additions and HTML by Kaith.